nothing
then SOME
thing
vein patterns--correction--capillary
patterns on the inside of my eyelids
bearing down
new patterns colors beauty
yes YES! BEAUTY
paintings i would paint if i could paint
PAIN
tings
if
always if ifififf
rustration
gone
patterns gone never to return again
unique never toreturnagain
faces now
mother father bobbie
ME
click
light
hazy fuzzy
eyes open noise typewriters clattering
phones ringing
people walking talking laughing humming
office
desk feet up
heaviness in pocket
metal cool
drone and hum
hum humm hummm --- ANITY
click
MY MOTHER
not only did my mother pave the road to hell
with good intentions
she created her own SUBURB
click
GOD
i feel hollow-eyed
and sunken cheeked with a little pot belly
and over a third of a century weighing up
on me
to think how tired i am and there maybe
more to come
BALLS to you o world without that you
should press upon me so
(and shame O SHAME dear world within
that you should let the press
ure make you less
a man)
ah life you've made a mess of me
and i
(that's the shame of it all)
i feel nothing at all for you
no anger
no joy
no ANY
thing
just tired tired tired
boredom
boredom
boredom
boredom
MONOTONY
click
house sitting there
squat
gaunt
ugly in the early morning light
paint peeling from parched porch
dark except for light burning in living room
window
streetlight in alley busted by kids throwing rocks
me
standing at corner
wanting not to go in
knowing nowhere else to go
something some
THING
about that house sucking the spirit from me
(shudder)
click
this LONE
liness is terrible
if there were only some way to communicate
no not communicate
if all i sought were to communicate i could be
content
ah but no
not i
not I I seek the impossible
the im POSSible
seek comm
UNION
a coupling a union in
and of itself
neither of us wanting more than exists at the
moment of our merging
for as long or as
short
as it lasts
both of us recognizing the binding force that
sparks to life at the merging
of ourselves our
SELVES
that binding force that makes more of us in
the coupling
than the sum of our selves a
part
the trinity
i the father
she the son (daughter)
the COUPLING the holy ghost independent
of us yet in
trinsically bound up in the modification
of our beings the
mod
IF
ication that makes our coupling un
ique an atom
proton electron neutron
neutron equals proton plus electron
NEW tron
weighs more or is it less
no matter weight differential ex
plained by binding energy
THAT TRINITY AGAIN
click
(sung to the time of star spangled banner)
jose do you seeeeeeeeeee
any bedbugs on meeeeeeeeee
if you dooooooooo brush them offfffffff
and i'll fry them for theeeeeeeeeeee
click
what's my mother
doing here
correction
what am i doing THERE
mom
sitting silent in large overstuffed chair next to
front door
HATE THAT CHAIR
large garish floral reupholstering shabby
material cotton wad
ding coming out on arms
HATE THAT ROOM
everything worn and shoddy non
descript grey sofa four cushions
one of them can't be turnde because the
springs are peeking through
on the underside and might catch your clothes
and snag them
cluttered magazine rack
reader's digest life true
ladies' home journal family circle redbook
esquire
dad's dogeared sex novels
and mysteries mom's romances
old newspapers piled on wingback chair
nobody every sits on
because it's too uncomfortable console tv
squatting on rickety wooden haunches one
door half off its hinges
hanging like bloodhound's ear
leaning against cyclopean bubble eye
bulging out from
nine inch picture tube
worn
out
carpeting
WHAT AM I DOING HERE
click
aw right aw yew swingin DICKS faw in
tenSHUN
for'ud HARCH hu'twofreefaw hu'twofreefaw
preeeeZENNN HARMS
(clickclickclickclickclickclickCLACK)
not wike at yew swoppy COCKS
yes caw yeursewf SOWjers
(mumble mumble mum)
no tawkin in em ranks tenSHUN
h'orderrrr HARMS wef shouder HARMS
aw right yew guys stan dere f awhime
see how yew wike at hot sun beatin down
on em iron hewMITS
i'm a make SOWjers outa yuh f it kiws yuh
f it KIWS yuh UNNERSTAN
click
bobbie sliding across front seat of car
nestling against me
hand falling on my thigh
click
dad lying naked on bed
feverish
tossing rest
LESSly
turning to flab
he coughs
pulls pillow to chest
snuggles close against it
silence
(shudder)
click
sun hot overhead
swimming from one end of poot to other
chasing bobbie
click
bangbangbangbangBANGbangbangBANGbang
BOOOOOOOOOOOOMMMMM
(screamscramSHRIEEKKK)
bangbangBANGGBOOOOOOOMMMMbang
click
sun fading
orange red and violet trailing behind
waking from nap
late afternoon breeze cool in shade of tree
sand on blanket
fingers stroking my thigh
click
typewriter sounds fa
ding elevator swal
lowing me
door closing
down
down
down
down
alimentary tract
down
down
digesting me
down
door opening
undigested waste spewing forth
flotsam and jetsam on the sea of life
heaviness in pocket
click
fingers stroking my
thigh?
yes yesyesyesssssssssss
hey cut that out
bobbie smiling bronze hair framed softly
in red orange violet sky
lovely
why
teasing not stopping
fingers kneading soft flesh of my inner thigh
responding yet unaware
UNsure first date don't understand
wanting her unSURE control
must control self must enjoy
ing her touch
you know why as well as i do
caressing thigh with palm of her hand
but i like
what i'm doing
pausing paw
SING
fingertips barely touching me
moving nearer DANGER
ously nearer
exquisitepain
teasing me
you should too
i do damn it
that's just the point
stroking continuing bobbie smiling
breathing harder now
FULLy aroused
keep it up i might
move your hand higher
maybe that's what I want you to do
stroking continuing bobbie smiling
calling her bluff
not a bluff
click
red light
breeze
green light
footsteps
cars stopping
metal warmth
horns honking
people
click
hand claming down sur
ROUNDing me
mouth on mine
fingers searching for her breasts
her thighs
HER
finding
breathing hard both con
FUSED
shoving her away
too fast first date
looking into haveclosed eyes
don't like playing games bobbie
hoarse whisper frog in my through too excited
we are or we're not
if not let's stop now
bravado sounding more confident than
i am sheer bravado
hand sliding under my trunks
kissing her kisSING
tongue sliding into my mouth
so confused
first date too fast too
FAST
kiss ending CLAM
bering to my feet breathing hard
let's get out of here
yes let's
throaty whisper rising to her feet lovely
LOVE
ly greek goddess
folding blanket wiping sand from each other
leaving not caring not bothering to
change clothes
leaving
sliding across car seat taking my hand
slumping down on seat
leading hand to breast
where
kissing her gently
i know a place
hoarse rasping whisper
lips brushing my cheek breath tickling my ear
is it far
not too why
frog in her throat
just so it's not far
squeezing hand down on breast
driving couple of miles to secret hideaway not
speaking
gravel quarry
private property
warning sign KEEP OUT
nobody ever there
parking fifty dollar studebaker on gravel hill
is it safe here
wary cautious
been coming here for years
haven't run across anybody yet
how'd you find this place
wonder in her voice standing to open door
stopping
can we get out
sure why not
found it when i was a kid
played in these woods all the time
getting out reaching in back for blanket
sure is quiet up here
smiling at her nodding
starting to lay blanket out bobbie helping
stretching blanket to fullest length stepping
across
kissing
unhooking top of bikini waiting for re
straining hand or whispered stop
hoping she won't pull away conFUSED
frightened aroused
too fast much too fast
stepping back
loose bikini top dangling from my hand
whooooosh it's chilly
confused fascinated by her full
firm breasts
i've never seen
clearing frog from throat licking dry lips
such firm ones
smiling nervously
what do you do
exercise to build them up
TOO FAST
smiling proud
like them
nodding
here
kissing breasts making nipples hard
bobbie moving back
come
lying down tugging at my trunks
offering myself to her
offering my SELF
falling beside her hooking fingers in panties
bobbie arching her back
click
walking into bar
crowd
alcohol smell
feeling queasy
up to bar
heaviness in pocket
cutty and water please
click
panting
spent
bobbie nesting chin in cupped hand
you're jewish aren't you
yes but how did you know
blushing glancing down my body
don't you know
smiling (of course) still confused
that why you did it
to find out if i was jewish
giggling
no you nut
pausing turning face from me
if that was all i wanted
i could have stopped short of THAT
hand on her chin turning face back to me
tears in her eyes
surprised touched confused
why didn't you
smiling at my concern kissing me
teasing
because i wanted to find out
something else
twisting my hair in her fingers
did you
uh huh
what
that you're marvelous
getting aroused again
got more information for you
you're joking
looking for con
FIRM
ation finding smiling stretching
you're not joking are you
running tongue down my chest purring
click
soapy taste in mouth
getting sick got to hurry
step step
away from bar
heaviness in pocket
bitter juices rising in throat bitter stomach juices
rising into mouth
push
juices rising
shove
bitter urgent must get to john
avoid hurry
bump apologize
step
step
step
step
step
step
step
step
step
step
stepstepstep
stop
open door enter
juices up
remove jacket unbutton shirt
juices bitter in mouth
remove undershirt hang clothes on hook
juices releasing
bending over bown on knees bitter
juices coming out
cleaning up with toilet paper
blowing nose
sitting
fingering heaviness in pocket
metal warmth
click
air cool on nakedness
bobbie sighing nestling against me
love you
smiling
all of me or just
hand over m mouth
don't don't spoil the moment
tear in her voice sadness in her eyes
not understanding
how can you say you love me
you don't know a thing about me
what i think how i feel about things
anything
looking away trying to hide the hurt in her eyes
you don't have to know someone
to love him
love's a thing you feel
groping for words
you know what i mean it's
well look haven't you ever
walked down the street and maybe
maybe someone stopped you
pausing licking lips
a bum or somebody
words erupting from her
maybe he asked you for a dime for a
cup of coffee
something like that
stopping groping
interested
yes go on
bobbie standing
walking to edge of hill nudeness framed
in moonlight
walking to her
putting arms around her
staring at lighted bridge in distance
cars moving across
go on please
not looking at me
staring at the shapes in the night voice
distant
well i mean like
words coming at me through a filter
well
some you fave the dime to
some you didn't
right
looking at me holding breath eager
uh huh right
voice hollow not really understanding not
knowing what to say
that's it
what bobbie what's it
well 'd you ever stop to figure out why
i mean why you gave the dime to
one guy and not the
other
wasn't it because you well
felt something something you
maybe couldn't explain even to
yourself
for the one guy you didn't feel for the other
looking at her seeing HER for the first time
funny once in new york
i was walking
near grand central
some scraggly looking guy came up
asked me for a dime
i passed him by then
even though i heard him musster some
nasty remark
i stopped
for some strange reason i felt like i
HAD to give him that dime
even felt GUILTY because
because i didn't have a buck to give him
bobbie smiling eyes glistening
that's it that's what love is that's what
LOVE is
wanting to give a buck to the bum who
asks you for a dime
looking at her a long time saying nothing
digesting her words
kissing me
pouring more into that kiss than i'd ever
imagined could be inside anyone
long silence
long
l
o
n
g
silence
walking to blanket lying down
head in her lap
looking up feeling something
right now bobbie right now
i'm sure i love you don't know
how i'll feel tomorrow
even ten minutes from now
but right now i love you
that's all right isn't it
smiling wistfully running fingers through
my hair
of course darling that's
all a person can expect isn't it
i mean
well nothing worthwhile
lasts forever
OH MY GOD
click
whiteness
you all right in there
lifting head staring at cubicle door
huh whassat
voice harsh tongue thick
you all right in there
heard you shout something
(JESUS)
i'm fine got a little sick
that's all
dressing leaving cubicle
washing
giving five dollar bill to attendant
looking at it not knowing what to do
with it
staring at me
why thank you
pocketing it licking his lips
thank YOU
leaving
night mister
'bye friend
fingering heavinesss in pocket
walking steps
metal warmth nice
comforTING metal
warmth
click
i was a child and she was a child
in that kingdom by the sea
but we loved with a love that was more
than love
i and my
click
shouldering to place at bar
finishing drink
taking heaviness from pocket
metal warmth
grinning grin feeling funny on
my face
nice comforting metal
warmth
glinting in barlight
click
blackness
black as pitch
black is good black is death death
is silence
black is
black is BOB
BIEEEE
E
E
E
EEE
cl
Words of My Father 
Jonathan (son #3) said,
27 June 2006 at 7:14 am
This work is difficult to characterize. And, though it is rather long, in the end, it seems terribly incomplete. Indeed the final word is but a fragment. There’s a lot in here. There is much material with which to work. Although parts of it feel polished, I suspect this was mostly stream of consciousness, that he simply needed to get words on paper.
It’s actually quite filmic in presentation, flashing between memories. And much of it is unclear. Did he have a gun in his pocket? Why? Who is Bobbie? What do his parents have to do with any of this?
I’m not sure how much of this is his imagination, and how much is recollections from his real life. The episode with the drill sargeant is something he recounted, so I think it was real life. The quote from Poe’s Annabel Lee?
It makes me wonder. Was Bobbie a real character in his life? Did she commit suicide? Did he go to the bar contemplating the same in response? I simply can’t say.
bloglily said,
28 June 2006 at 4:53 pm
I don’t know either, but it was very gripping. There’s more to say about this, of course. It works very well as a portrayal of memory’s layers and his story of sexual awakening is partiicularly moving.
Jonathan (son #3) said,
28 June 2006 at 5:01 pm
As in the good old usa closed the last notebook, I opened my cabinet of writings to come across another notebook with “The Shadow Box” written on its cover. The promise was fulfilled, as the work appears on its opening pages. I’ll have to look over the two versions to see if there are any differences of substance. Neither is dated, so there’s no way to tell which came first.
This is quite an experience for me, studying his words in depth as I am, being only a few years older now than he was when his pen reached for these pages.